Last night, I had a dream. I went to somewhere, and I saw a lovely little girl playing. She's so adorable and ran to me with great smile. I kneed down to hug her. She's so tender with lovely smell, and she stayed in my arm with beautiful smile. I kissed her pink cheek, bright eye, and soft lips. Another little girl stood one step aside, and looked at me. I opened another arm and she walked closer with shy. She's so cute that I can't stop myself to grasp her, and kiss her tender cheeks. They all laughed like wind bell whistling. I can feel how soft they are when I hold them tight. Suddenly it turns foggy everywhere. They stopped laughing, and started to fade away. I tried to grab their hands, hold nothing but air in my hand. I was scared. I ran around to find them, but just saw nothing. The fog circled me around, and I can't breath at all. I tried to breath harder and harder, and suddenly I went back the the real life. I found myself lie in the bed, my husband's hands hold me tight. Listened to his breathe, tears fell down my cheeks.
Life played my again. I had my second miscarriage. I felt to be doomed. Did I do something wrong? I'm not the one who always do good things to others, but I never really hurt somebody else in all my life. So why me? why us again? I just found out that I'm pregnant, cramp started. I feel the blood lost underneath, and I knew it can't be stopped. People said that it's better to be loved than never been loved, I disagree. If I knew that'll be the end, I would rather never start it. The pain is the worst pain when you have the joy in the beginning. You never know how strong the wine is unless you're drunk; you never know how that hurts unless you loved it before. "醉过方知酒浓，爱过方知情重", I used to love that poem for the words, now I can resonant it with my heart. I know that the time will be the best cure for all the wound, but I will always lock my two little lovely girls in my heart. I can still hear they're laughing and playing each other. But the life continues.
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Life is endless. Time is the best cure.
Time goes so fast. I didn't try to write anything down for a while. Now when I look back, I can talk to others normally about my loss, and I can think to prepare for the next one. No wonder people always say time is the best cure.
I still do not understand why. None of us has bad habits such as smoking, drinking, or drug. I didn't miss any regular check, and I ate all stuffs no matter I like them or not. The worst comes worst is I didn't feel any problem. It is not like I saw a spot, or I felt the pain. Nothing. It is gone silently. I heard the heart beat before, the next exam told me no more heart beat detected. The doctor told me that it is called "missed miscarriage" and it is nothing abnormal. Suddenly, my world was turned upside down.
Even though the modern technology develops a lot, doctor has no clue why I had it. She just gave me two choices: either medicine or D&C. I picked D&C because I don't want to flush my precious baby down to the toilet. It is unbearable to think about that. The procedure is a small, fast outpatient surgery. I lied with clear mind, my husband stayed with me all the time. There are some bleeding, and cramps afterwards. But there is not much pain, or I can not feel it physically. I just felt empty all by myself, and that drove me crazy. It took me long time to go through that kind of emptiness.
Half year past by. I thought the pain will never end. It is still with me, but not that dominant. Life continues. I was told to move on and I have to look ahead. I attended another baby shower. I can even prepare the baby shower for my friend without tears down in my face. Inside my heart, nobody will see. I can look at all baby stuff on the shelf, and try to pick the best as the presents. Although I am in deep deep jealous while I looked at happy one, I felt guilty to envy their happiness. I would guess what will that be if I didn't have that damn missed miscarriage. It is expected time if I am still happy one.
The good thing is not much people know my loss. I hate people asking me how am I doing although that is friendly concerns. I hate to answer " I'm doing better, thanks". However, that can be another devastating start. On and on and on, people ask when you will have your baby during the baby shower. I hate it too. I thought I was mentally prepared before the shower. I am not. Attending the baby shower and preparing for the baby shower are the most difficult things I have ever done after the miscarriage. Sometimes I was wondering that women may suffer much more than men. My husband didn't show much emotional responses for the shower. Or maybe I am wrong since I didn't show up in my face too. I know I am healing, but the scar in my heart will stay with me forever.
With all my hearts, I hope all expected mother will not experience the pain. But if you do, you have all my support, friendship, and wishes. You can talk all your grief, loneliness, depression, and healing with me or here. I felt silent in my grief. It is a pain nothing else can compare. You have to overcome by yourself. I, like a lot of other grievers, am always here for you.
In theory, it might be good thing for my baby because scientists said that the root cause comes from some defects of fetus. In real life, I blamed everything I can blame, including myself. I should not get cold, I should not eat this or that, I should do more exercise before the pregnancy, etc... Nothing can take the time back and return my happiness to me. The only thing I can do is to let it go and keep a secret garden for my baby in my heart forever. We do not have predestined relation. That is the fate.
At least I have the courage to share my feeling, and contribute to others. I collected a lot of websites on my way. Here is the link to those information about miscarriage:
http://del.icio.us/puzzle/miscarriage
I hope those information can help people understand more and stop blame themselves. Accept the fate and move on. I hope my precious baby will come back to me. The same wishes to all of you who suffered.
缘起缘灭，渠会永无缘。
I still do not understand why. None of us has bad habits such as smoking, drinking, or drug. I didn't miss any regular check, and I ate all stuffs no matter I like them or not. The worst comes worst is I didn't feel any problem. It is not like I saw a spot, or I felt the pain. Nothing. It is gone silently. I heard the heart beat before, the next exam told me no more heart beat detected. The doctor told me that it is called "missed miscarriage" and it is nothing abnormal. Suddenly, my world was turned upside down.
Even though the modern technology develops a lot, doctor has no clue why I had it. She just gave me two choices: either medicine or D&C. I picked D&C because I don't want to flush my precious baby down to the toilet. It is unbearable to think about that. The procedure is a small, fast outpatient surgery. I lied with clear mind, my husband stayed with me all the time. There are some bleeding, and cramps afterwards. But there is not much pain, or I can not feel it physically. I just felt empty all by myself, and that drove me crazy. It took me long time to go through that kind of emptiness.
Half year past by. I thought the pain will never end. It is still with me, but not that dominant. Life continues. I was told to move on and I have to look ahead. I attended another baby shower. I can even prepare the baby shower for my friend without tears down in my face. Inside my heart, nobody will see. I can look at all baby stuff on the shelf, and try to pick the best as the presents. Although I am in deep deep jealous while I looked at happy one, I felt guilty to envy their happiness. I would guess what will that be if I didn't have that damn missed miscarriage. It is expected time if I am still happy one.
The good thing is not much people know my loss. I hate people asking me how am I doing although that is friendly concerns. I hate to answer " I'm doing better, thanks". However, that can be another devastating start. On and on and on, people ask when you will have your baby during the baby shower. I hate it too. I thought I was mentally prepared before the shower. I am not. Attending the baby shower and preparing for the baby shower are the most difficult things I have ever done after the miscarriage. Sometimes I was wondering that women may suffer much more than men. My husband didn't show much emotional responses for the shower. Or maybe I am wrong since I didn't show up in my face too. I know I am healing, but the scar in my heart will stay with me forever.
With all my hearts, I hope all expected mother will not experience the pain. But if you do, you have all my support, friendship, and wishes. You can talk all your grief, loneliness, depression, and healing with me or here. I felt silent in my grief. It is a pain nothing else can compare. You have to overcome by yourself. I, like a lot of other grievers, am always here for you.
In theory, it might be good thing for my baby because scientists said that the root cause comes from some defects of fetus. In real life, I blamed everything I can blame, including myself. I should not get cold, I should not eat this or that, I should do more exercise before the pregnancy, etc... Nothing can take the time back and return my happiness to me. The only thing I can do is to let it go and keep a secret garden for my baby in my heart forever. We do not have predestined relation. That is the fate.
At least I have the courage to share my feeling, and contribute to others. I collected a lot of websites on my way. Here is the link to those information about miscarriage:
http://del.icio.us/puzzle/miscarriage
I hope those information can help people understand more and stop blame themselves. Accept the fate and move on. I hope my precious baby will come back to me. The same wishes to all of you who suffered.
缘起缘灭，渠会永无缘。
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Life is unfair (2)
It was in draft mode for a while. I decided to publish it since that was my life and the happiness once with me even it is unfinished:
I waited a while for the final result. I kept refreshing the online lab result, nothing new came out. I felt the time goes so slow. Or maybe we're just so eager to know the result. Einstein's theory of relativity has been proved again here. I can't wait for the next appointment 2 weeks later. I have to know NOW.
I emailed my doctor questioning the lab result. I kept refreshing my inbox and hope for a reply sitting there.
Finally, a message arrived at my inbox: " Yes, you're pregnant according to the test result."
Wow! what else can be more exciting than this? At the same time, I start to worry a lot: will everything be fine or not? How scare the delivery will be? Will I be a good mom and responsible for my baby? Will that be she or he? Oh, I do not really care about the answer to the last questions.
We went to buy prenatal vitamins immediately. After that, we are so exciting and can't stop smiling. In a word, I can not express how happy I am. We start to call our parents, since they're waiting for it for a while.
We decide that we have to move to a better school district. Even we do not have baby yet, we start to worry about his or her future. I can understand why people are willing to pay a lot for a good school district house for their kids now.
We go to pregnancy lessons. We collect a lot of information online and from books. We absorb every knowledge useful for our baby. Suddenly it is the only world we have.
That is just the start. It is thrilling feeling when we hear the heart beat from baby. Doctor printed out the picture of fetus. That tiny baby changed our whole world.
I waited a while for the final result. I kept refreshing the online lab result, nothing new came out. I felt the time goes so slow. Or maybe we're just so eager to know the result. Einstein's theory of relativity has been proved again here. I can't wait for the next appointment 2 weeks later. I have to know NOW.
I emailed my doctor questioning the lab result. I kept refreshing my inbox and hope for a reply sitting there.
Finally, a message arrived at my inbox: " Yes, you're pregnant according to the test result."
Wow! what else can be more exciting than this? At the same time, I start to worry a lot: will everything be fine or not? How scare the delivery will be? Will I be a good mom and responsible for my baby? Will that be she or he? Oh, I do not really care about the answer to the last questions.
We went to buy prenatal vitamins immediately. After that, we are so exciting and can't stop smiling. In a word, I can not express how happy I am. We start to call our parents, since they're waiting for it for a while.
We decide that we have to move to a better school district. Even we do not have baby yet, we start to worry about his or her future. I can understand why people are willing to pay a lot for a good school district house for their kids now.
We go to pregnancy lessons. We collect a lot of information online and from books. We absorb every knowledge useful for our baby. Suddenly it is the only world we have.
That is just the start. It is thrilling feeling when we hear the heart beat from baby. Doctor printed out the picture of fetus. That tiny baby changed our whole world.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Life is unfair (1)
Life is unfair. Sometimes, you do not have a choice. The only thing you can do is looking ahead and hoping for the change. So many things happened recently. At least now I can look back and sing "life is unfair" without tears down.
Can you just image that the minute before you're still in heaven, the minute after you fall into the hell? I do. I can still remember clearly that morning three months earlier.
Last December, I have request an appointment of yearly pap smear check after reading the materials about the benefits of regular check. I got an appointment 6 weeks later. I went to hospital while my husband was painting the family room. After the registration, a nurse took my weight, temperature, BP measurements, plus an urinary sample. Then she showed me the waiting room for doctor. After a while, doctor walked in. She looks seriously and start to talk, "Your result is positive."
"Positive? uh, what does that means?" I asked confusedly.
She smiled. "Congratulation! You may pregnant!"
??? I'm totally shocked. "uh...uh...uh...," my thought is still around if there is anything wrong with my annual check without really digesting the word of pregnancy.
Maybe I looked so reluctant while she's waiting for some exciting responses. She asked carefully, "uh, do you or your partner expect the baby or ...?"
I suddenly waked up by her question. "No, no, I didn't expect this result. No, I didn't mean that I do not want the baby. It's just... just I didn't prepare to hear that. Oh, no, of course I want it. No, we want it. It's just a shocking news." I kept waggling my head to prevent any thought that I or we do not want the baby.
She looked eased and started to do some ultrasonic check. She can not find any proof from ultrasound result. She said that it could be too early to tell. Then she requested a blood hormone test for me and told me to wait for that hCG test result confirmation. Of course, she told me the possibility of miscarriage. At that time, I have no idea of miscarriage and scared to death after I hear it.
I drove home with slowest speed I ever have. After I told my husband the great news, I started the online browsing immediately. I have even a tiny bit knowledge of pregnancy. First I looked at the hCG test. For hCG test, people need to draw blood sample twice within 48 hours and look at the hCG level difference. About 85% of normal pregnancies will have the hCG level double every 48 - 72 hours. As you get further along into pregnancy and the hCG level gets higher, the time it takes to double can increase to about every 96 hours. Then I looked around for all pregnancy related information. I'm so grateful and amazed that how much information you can retrieve via internet nowadays.
2 days later, I draw the second blood sample. I'm so eager to know the result. While we're waiting, I kept asking my husband same questions again and again: "Is that true? Am I really pregnant?"
Yeah, I'm still not ready to be in parent club. I'm scared. I do not think that I'm ready to be a good mother and keep saying that I do not have any family plan now. But who cares? From the moment I understand the news, I AM EXPECTING! I was flooded with enthusiasm and ecstasy.
Can you just image that the minute before you're still in heaven, the minute after you fall into the hell? I do. I can still remember clearly that morning three months earlier.
Last December, I have request an appointment of yearly pap smear check after reading the materials about the benefits of regular check. I got an appointment 6 weeks later. I went to hospital while my husband was painting the family room. After the registration, a nurse took my weight, temperature, BP measurements, plus an urinary sample. Then she showed me the waiting room for doctor. After a while, doctor walked in. She looks seriously and start to talk, "Your result is positive."
"Positive? uh, what does that means?" I asked confusedly.
She smiled. "Congratulation! You may pregnant!"
??? I'm totally shocked. "uh...uh...uh...," my thought is still around if there is anything wrong with my annual check without really digesting the word of pregnancy.
Maybe I looked so reluctant while she's waiting for some exciting responses. She asked carefully, "uh, do you or your partner expect the baby or ...?"
I suddenly waked up by her question. "No, no, I didn't expect this result. No, I didn't mean that I do not want the baby. It's just... just I didn't prepare to hear that. Oh, no, of course I want it. No, we want it. It's just a shocking news." I kept waggling my head to prevent any thought that I or we do not want the baby.
She looked eased and started to do some ultrasonic check. She can not find any proof from ultrasound result. She said that it could be too early to tell. Then she requested a blood hormone test for me and told me to wait for that hCG test result confirmation. Of course, she told me the possibility of miscarriage. At that time, I have no idea of miscarriage and scared to death after I hear it.
I drove home with slowest speed I ever have. After I told my husband the great news, I started the online browsing immediately. I have even a tiny bit knowledge of pregnancy. First I looked at the hCG test. For hCG test, people need to draw blood sample twice within 48 hours and look at the hCG level difference. About 85% of normal pregnancies will have the hCG level double every 48 - 72 hours. As you get further along into pregnancy and the hCG level gets higher, the time it takes to double can increase to about every 96 hours. Then I looked around for all pregnancy related information. I'm so grateful and amazed that how much information you can retrieve via internet nowadays.
2 days later, I draw the second blood sample. I'm so eager to know the result. While we're waiting, I kept asking my husband same questions again and again: "Is that true? Am I really pregnant?"
Yeah, I'm still not ready to be in parent club. I'm scared. I do not think that I'm ready to be a good mother and keep saying that I do not have any family plan now. But who cares? From the moment I understand the news, I AM EXPECTING! I was flooded with enthusiasm and ecstasy.
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