Life is endless. Time is the best cure.

Time goes so fast. I didn't try to write anything down for a while. Now when I look back, I can talk to others normally about my loss, and I can think to prepare for the next one. No wonder people always say time is the best cure.

I still do not understand why. None of us has bad habits such as smoking, drinking, or drug. I didn't miss any regular check, and I ate all stuffs no matter I like them or not. The worst comes worst is I didn't feel any problem. It is not like I saw a spot, or I felt the pain. Nothing. It is gone silently. I heard the heart beat before, the next exam told me no more heart beat detected. The doctor told me that it is called "missed miscarriage" and it is nothing abnormal. Suddenly, my world was turned upside down.

Even though the modern technology develops a lot, doctor has no clue why I had it. She just gave me two choices: either medicine or D&C. I picked D&C because I don't want to flush my precious baby down to the toilet. It is unbearable to think about that. The procedure is a small, fast outpatient surgery. I lied with clear mind, my husband stayed with me all the time. There are some bleeding, and cramps afterwards. But there is not much pain, or I can not feel it physically. I just felt empty all by myself, and that drove me crazy. It took me long time to go through that kind of emptiness.

Half year past by. I thought the pain will never end. It is still with me, but not that dominant. Life continues. I was told to move on and I have to look ahead. I attended another baby shower. I can even prepare the baby shower for my friend without tears down in my face. Inside my heart, nobody will see. I can look at all baby stuff on the shelf, and try to pick the best as the presents. Although I am in deep deep jealous while I looked at happy one, I felt guilty to envy their happiness. I would guess what will that be if I didn't have that damn missed miscarriage. It is expected time if I am still happy one.

The good thing is not much people know my loss. I hate people asking me how am I doing although that is friendly concerns. I hate to answer " I'm doing better, thanks". However, that can be another devastating start. On and on and on, people ask when you will have your baby during the baby shower. I hate it too. I thought I was mentally prepared before the shower. I am not. Attending the baby shower and preparing for the baby shower are the most difficult things I have ever done after the miscarriage. Sometimes I was wondering that women may suffer much more than men. My husband didn't show much emotional responses for the shower. Or maybe I am wrong since I didn't show up in my face too. I know I am healing, but the scar in my heart will stay with me forever.

With all my hearts, I hope all expected mother will not experience the pain. But if you do, you have all my support, friendship, and wishes. You can talk all your grief, loneliness, depression, and healing with me or here. I felt silent in my grief. It is a pain nothing else can compare. You have to overcome by yourself. I, like a lot of other grievers, am always here for you.

In theory, it might be good thing for my baby because scientists said that the root cause comes from some defects of fetus. In real life, I blamed everything I can blame, including myself. I should not get cold, I should not eat this or that, I should do more exercise before the pregnancy, etc... Nothing can take the time back and return my happiness to me. The only thing I can do is to let it go and keep a secret garden for my baby in my heart forever. We do not have predestined relation. That is the fate.

At least I have the courage to share my feeling, and contribute to others. I collected a lot of websites on my way. Here is the link to those information about miscarriage:
http://del.icio.us/puzzle/miscarriage
I hope those information can help people understand more and stop blame themselves. Accept the fate and move on. I hope my precious baby will come back to me. The same wishes to all of you who suffered.

缘起缘灭，渠会永无缘。