Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Pink or Blue?

Finally, it's time to have ultrasound which can tell the baby gender! Before it, I have to spend so much efforts to prevent myself from buying clothes because I don't know which color to choose.
Today I especially took today off from the work since I knew that I would not want to work after the big news. Even for today's ultrasound check, the main purpose is to measure if everything is fine with the baby, I'm so eager to know if that's pink or blue.

Before we started, Dr. warned us that we may not know the gender result since it all depends on how corporative the baby is. I suddently got a feeling that she or he will show up immediatly. I'm correct. Dr. started with the head to the toe, pointed to us where's face, eyes, mouth, hands, body, heart, leg, and toe. She said that baby is at sleep, though we can see clearly about all hand fingers opened, and leg crossed. The baby behaved angelically and let the doctor get all the needed data without any trouble. When the doctor finished talking about the heart and 4 ventricles, she paused a little bit, then asked if we want to know pink or blue. "Yes, absolutely yes!" we all said the same words and looked at the doctor. "Here's 3 white lines", the doctor pointed to some dark area in the screen, "it's a girl!"

All of a sudden, splendid fireworks displayed in front of me. The great news is like the sunny day, and it sheds its brightness everywhere. After the doctor said everything appears normal, the baby is so corporative that we finished all test in 6 minutes. I walked out the room as if I were walking on air. On the way home, I kept talking about buying beautiful clothes, decorating room with warm colors, and on and on and on.

My husband didn't understand why I got so excited with the girl. He seems fine with either choices, as long as we're having the baby. Even I always say that as long as the baby is healthy, it's always wonderful no matter it's a girl or boy. However, in the deepest of my heart, I want a girl -- I want my angel back. And now she comes. She still loves me and comes back. I'm so grateful for that. This great moment lasts forever. What a wonderful day! It made me feel on top of the world!

Now I can start hurry for the shopping.
Go shopping for my sweetie! We will celebrate tonight:-)
And thanks to my angel to make my dream comes true. Tears of joy.




Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Life always has two sides


Life always has two sides. When the life give you the good side, it will throw you the bad side as well.

I'm still in the happy mood for my growing baby, here comes the bad news. Our group has been asked to relocated to east coast or lay off. It is a no-brianer decision for me to choose. Not to talk about any career potential or those kind of serious topics, just to think about I'm so happy to feel my baby growing day after day, how could I prevent my husband from this kind of happiness?

I'm usually on the pesmistic side for the world. In the past, I might be worry about looking for a new job in this uncertain economic world. My husband was so worried that I could be too stressed for the bad news. Weird thing is that I accept it calmly and put it behind me immediately. My emotional curve passed through so quick that I even didn't feel it. I'm not worried about that I will be out of job very soon. It's just a little bit pity that I haven't enjoyed the company maternity benefits. It's also a littlbe bit sad to see a great group dismissed. But other than that, I do not have any further regret or panic. My mind is full with my baby and all the joyness coming with that. Every time I hear her heartbeating using doppler, my heart seems melting down. Nothing else could let me risk that kind of joyful moment.

On the other side, from a professional point of view, I knew it could be a very costly and wrong decision for the company to dismiss the R&D group here. Our R&D group here has been supporting two product lines for many years with a lot of domain knowledge and lesson learned experience. We had a lot of great ideas about how to improve the products and make it better for the business. We have the rest of business team and operational team located in east coast. Since our company acquired another middle-sized company in the same wide domain and put our 2 product lines under the management of the new company, a lot of issues arise. The organization has been re-structueded multiple times in the past 2 years. Our R&D director left the team, and no local replacement has been put into place even for a year afterwards. One of the product line business director left the company, the other one turned to be changed right before the team dismissal. The new management team from that newly acquired company never has experience with distributed virtual team, and looked at us the same usage, but more expensive than their outsource India company. Since our R&D manager left the team, in a year, I have changed 3 different bosses who always have other higher priority to take care instead of team here! Now it comes to the time that R&D team will be dismissed here unless anyone is willing to relocate to the east coast, though on the other end, the new management team does not really prepared to hear any "Yes" answer to really relocate. It sounds like a good stragegy to dismiss the team without the limitation of new hiring due to layoff words. As a result, none of team members will relocate and all the experience accumulated in the past years could be lost.

For my professional responsibility, though I said I will try my best to complete the rest of projects I managed and help the transition process, I told my latest manager frankly that I would expect the business will be impact and has to be slow down for some period of time no matter how good I or we make the transition happen. Surprisely that my manager didn't agree and still think that business will be almost no impact to move forward. More interesting and ironic, the business director called everyone in the team here and tried to persaude us to consider the relocation option. He was also shocked by the news the same day we heard the bad news because no one in R&D department management side consider the business impact before making the decision. So now the business is emerging and growing, but no R&D support in short period and have to wait for the new team formed. To make things worse, did I mentioned that the R&D team in east coast has different skill set and has no idea about the domain knowledge?

It is really sad to see a great team dismissed and business, which I believe in mind, has to pay high price in the future. I heard about very bad morale among all business and operational team members, which actually appeared in the current projects I'm managing immediately. The emotional curve for the rest of people might take longer time to overcome.

What I will do? Take it easy, try to do more exercise and stay healthy for my baby. Enjoy the lovely time with my growing baby, and do not bother with looking for a new job. I don't want to risk anything for my baby with a new job or job search, which could be stressful for baby to feel. Every time I touch my growing belly, I'm so grateful that my baby is with me this time. My baby would feel all the sweet moods I'm having because of her or him. Next spring, after my baby delivered to kick off the new adventure in my life, I can start to looking for the next adventure in my career too. Now, I'm just eager to know if that's he or she to decorate the nursery room and purchase the clothes. Anything other than baby? not in my mind at all:-)




Thursday, July 09, 2009

Reached the first milestone -- Now it's safer than before

Yesterday, I had my 12 week's check. Actually it's 12 week 6 days at the time based on the measurement. From UltraSound screen, I saw the baby moving up and down inside womb. Her heart beats strongly and her hands and legs swing back and forth. How lovely it is! NP said that baby is doing fine and all my test results return normal. It means so much to me! It also means that I'll finish the first trimster very soon, and enter into the second trimster, which is much safer than before.

Before the appointment, I was worried a lot. I can still remember how shocking I was for the first miscarriage time. As the first time parent-to-be, I was eager to see how baby grows and lister to her heartbeat. The bad news came during the 12 week's check, while my obstetrics told me that she cannot detect baby's heartbeat. Since I didn't see any blood or bad symptoms, it was extremely difficult to believe it's truly happened. Based on that worst experience of 12 week check, I'm so scared before the appointment time. Though immediately after NP started the ultrasound device, and babymovement showed up in the screen, my heart settle down.

Last night, while I was reading "Pregnancy Week by Week" by Pam Cass , I can't stop smiling. It gives me brief ideas about how mother and baby will be every week. It is amazing to know that baby is already a quite completed human being at the moment, even if she is so tiny.

So many things to prepare, and so many books to read. I am happy, since I can worry less now. Finally I can turly sleep at night.


Friday, June 26, 2009

I passed PMP exam today!

I just passed PMP exam today after a long journey! I would love to share my experience here.

Firstly, lte's talk about the closest experience -- my exam day. I'm owl, so I chose the afternoon test time as 12pm. I'm not good at driving direction, so I checked the test center location, test drove there and remembered the driving direction and crossing street. I had a good night sleep and got up at 10am. After fighting with my morning sickness, I had my brunch. I arrived the test center 20 minutes earlier. The staff checked my ID, and asked me to put everything inside the locker! Remmeber everything--means you can only bring your ID and locker key insdie the test room. All other stuffs, such as watch, drink, and food, must be kept inside the locker. Since we can't access the locker during the test, I left the water bottle on top of locker cabinet. The staff is very nice to allow me kept wearing my sea-sick bank to fight for the nausea from pregnency sickness, which must help me a lot during the test(or I was too concentrated during the test to forgot the nausea?) Anyway, the staff allowed me to start the test after I settle down, but before scheduled 12pm. They gave me paper, 2 pencils, ear plug, and allowed me take some tissues they provided(you must kept the tissues on top of desk during whole process and can't put into pocket) to enter the test room. The staff showed me the test cubicle, and test started.

During the first 15 minutes tutorials, I quickly went through the turorials, and started the memory dump as all past warriors suggested. I had to admitted that the pencil writing on the dark colors paper is very difficult to read, though I didn't really use my memory dump during the test since I've rememmbered them all clearly in my mind. I memory dumped that table with 5 process groups, 9 knowledge areas, and 44 processes. I also wrote down all EV formulars, sigma %, conflict methods, power types before 15 minutes ends. The exam started. My anxiety level suddently increased a lot after I marked the first 3 questions. I didn't know the answer at all. It seems like I haven't prepare those area at all. I had a deep breath, marked it, and continue. The questions seems more difficult than my practice, since I almost spend 1 minute per question during the test, while usually I only need less than 30 seconds per question for those after chapter practice. Due to the slowness of answering, I changed my plan immediately. Initially I planed to break every 50 questions, now I decided to take break only after every 100 questions. I felt very thirsty during the test, since I usually sip a handful of water every couple minutes to keep myself hydrated after pregnant. I said sorry to my baby in my heart, and asked her to bear with the thristy for 4 hours. At the first break time after I finished the first 100 questions, my lips was totally dried up. During the break, I tried to drink as much water as possible before nausea caught me. Then I returned the test room. The second half questions seems much better than first half. I finished them faster and marked much less questions comparing to the first half. Then 2nd break. I spent a little bit over 3 hours to complete all questions, which is much longer comparing to 2 hours I tried during practice. Then I went through all marked questions. That's the time I started to feel hungry and the abdomimal cramp, which occurs to me almost everyday after pregnant. I had to softly touch my belly to sustain the cramp pain. I had around 40 questions marked, and 50 mintes left after my break. So time should be sufficient. After couple deep breath, I continued my review in a more relax sitting. I only felt more confirmative about 10 questions after review and changed some answers. By the time I finished review marked round, only 10 minutes left. I decided to use up all rest of time by going through the unmarked questions. After around 30 questions quick review, the popup windows shows the time is up. A survey comes first to ask how's your experience about the test. I finished the survey very quickly, and clicked next to wait for the exam result. Due to those marked uncertainty, I got a feeling that I might pass the exam just above the threshhold. The result came out--way better than I estimated. I got 5 P and 1 M to pass the exam, which makes me feel like flying. I went out to sign out, got the print out from the staff, and got all my stuff inside the locker. I started to eat the apple I prepared but not get time to eat during the test, and happily drove home.

Now, let's go back to my learning experience. I started the application last October, and got approval in a week after application submittal. I ordered whole crosswind package from PMI market place while I paid for the membership fee and exam fee. I wanted to read PMBOK, though it's great sleep pill due to the dryness of reading. I switched to "Head First PMP", which is much enjoyable reading experience, and finish reading it slowly once in about 2 months. Maybe couple hours every week. My learning stopped at last December, and I kept postponed my exam date from last December to this March, then this June to catch the last train before PMBOK version change. At the beginning of this May, I knew I'm pregnant while I haven't started picking up my learning. That made me make my mind to pass the PMP exam by end of June without postponing the exam again, so that I can focus on my baby afterwards. Only 7 weeks left for the exam preparation. A little bit tight. I spend all my free time on learning. I read the crosswind exam manual chapter by chapter, and read PMBOK related chapters after each chapter from crosswind exam manual. Then I tried the exercise and practice questions in the chapter end. This time PMBOK reading seems more smooth and easy to catch. One week before the exam, I quickly read through Rita's book to get different practice flavor. I think it benefits me quite a lot while I answer the situational questions of exam. I didn't have time to go through those mock up tests available online, though I hope I had to gain my confidence.

In summary:
  • Head First PMP, 1 time reading, highly recommend to use it as the first reading material especially if you haven't have a systematic knowledge about PM;
  • Crosswind exam manual, 1 time reading, recommend this manual, but not the whole package. (I didn't enjoy its Audio CD, and I didn't have time to try its exam CD). I use the first page from this manual as my memory dump base;
  • PMBOK, 1 time reading, MUST, recommend read it after you have good idea about PM. At the time I read it, it can easily link to my experience and knowledge for understanding;
  • Rita's book, 1 time very quick reading, recommend to understand PMI-ism;
  • Kim's book, just chapter end questions, but I wish I had time to read the whole book since I like the way it presents the knowledge in a natual process sequence instead of grouping by knowledge area from all the rest of books;
  • Oliver's 75 questions, I should not try it 2 days before my exam since I only scored 70% and 1 minutes per question which makes me very anxious about passing the exam.
I collected a lot of practice questions, and subscribed to quite some yahoo mailing lists. Though I didn't have time to read their contributed notes,, practice those questions, or even follow up those mailing list discussion. I did gain a lot of knowledge about other people's lesson learned at the beginning of my preparation. I do recommend you subscribe to those yahoo groups and follow the discussion if you have time:
The most important point is to understand the meaning instead of memorize it. I can't memorize ITTO for all 44 processes, but I tried to understand what's the purpose of those processes, why it use certain inputs, why it can create certain outputs, why it should use certain tools and techiniques instead of other tools, and why they follow certain orders during project life cycle. In this way, I can't write down all ITTO for the processes, but I can point out which one belongs to which process when I see ITTO. That is very important for the exam, since I did see quite some questions are asking about that in differnt way, and I was able to find out the best answer easily without memorizing all ITTO.

Also I don't practice mock up tests very much. All in all, I just finished one full 200 questions mock up test from Crosswind exam manual before and after reading its exam manual book. I did practice all those chapter questions from book lists above. I marked uncertain questions and pay much attention to understand why certain answer is correct even if I accidently pick the right answer. It is important to review each question after your practice, and really understand the reason behind the answer. Do not expect the exam question ask you exactly same sentence as PMBOK or mock up questions. There might be a lot grammatically incorrect sentences. I fully agree that PMP exam is to test your experience and knowledge instead of good memory, which proved from my exam experience. Again, the focus is to understand the concept, and know what has been used in the real life, what hasn't, and what can be learned to apply to the work to improve the real life work.

As I kept mentioning here, the understanding of knowledge and linkage with the real life experience is the most important thing. I usually follow 2 PM podcasts which helps me understand PM knowledge with real life work. I highly recommend you listen to them. It is not for exam boot camp, but it's beneficial for your professional learning:

Finally, it is a long journey! I started with engineering background. And based on Halo theory(if you've studied PMP, you knew what it means), my responsibility started to grow towards some project management and team management direction. Sometimes I felt the shortage of enough knowledge to handle certain conflicts during the work, I was thinking to take some classes in the communication area. I searched around and found "Project Leadership and Communication" class offered by UCSC-extension. I love the class, and I love the instructor Kimberly Wiefling! I felt so lucky that she's the instructor for that class. I love her presentation and exercises, especially her chicken story, which motivated to continue the whole "Certificate Program in Project and Program Management", and whenever I want to give up in the real life. Of course, when I went through the classes for that certification, I encournted a lot of great instructors. They taught me a very solid PM knowledge foundation towards my PMP journey. I would recommend the whole program to the people who'd love to learn more in PM world, or would love to acquire PMP, but not in rush. Because of the solid foundation I got from the program, I didn't spend much efforts to prepare the exam right before the exam but still passed it. Actually I learned PMI and PMP from those classes, and decided to acquire PMP as an important milestone in my career growup. It's definetely not the end of my journey. It just means that I can enter into a resting area for short break.

It is just a wonderful day to end a wonderful week:-) Now I'll take a break and focus more on my baby-to-be.

I hope this lengthy and wordy experience haven't drove you away. If you read here, good luck on your journey and wish you all the best!




Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Painful happiness --痛并快乐着

It's been 8 weeks now. Since 4 weeks inconclusive result, I'm expecting again!

When I saw the ultrasound shows the rapid heartbeat in the screen, a strong feeling caught me immediately. My heart starts beating faster. With the bad experience of past two miscarriages from no reason, I'm so scared and concerned this time. Though my depression went away when I knew for sure that my lovely angel returns. I got a feeling that she comes back for love.

Unlike the minimal to none side effects from last two experiences, I had very strong pregnancy sickness effect this time. Nausea, vomitting, headaches, dizziness, sense of smell, motion sickness, fatigue, heartburn, ....you name it. It's so unpleasant and annoying experience, though happiness can't be replace by any of those pain. For the first time, I can strong feel that I AM PREGANT even it's not a pleasant feeling. I have the burning sensation in my stomach 24/7. And I feel in the edge of vomitting all day long. That's awful! My taste also changed so dramatically that I was joking that's a differnet wife my husband got. I dislike a lot of foods that I previously enjoyed, and start enjoying those hot salty spicy style.

When I read some articles mentioned that women who have pregnancy sickness are more likly to have a successful pregnancy than those who don't, all those pains suddently seems worth it. Some research suggests that women who do not feel nauseous during pregnancy are two or three times more likely to have a miscarriage than those who do feel. It's painful sickness, on the other end, it makes me feel better that my baby will come healthy this time. My lost angels want to come back -- no pain can compare to that joyness! Even I'm suffering with those painful sickness, I'm happy, feel the hope again, and no long depressed. No matter how miserable I'm now, remembering that gives my baby more chance to be survive makes me to forget the sick.


Oh yeah, mom-to-be, I like this name. I'm in the mood for a new baby!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

继续挖树洞

突然发现,若干年前,开始写这个blog,是因为知道我的好友离婚了。
我挖了这个树洞,想要往里面倒点秘密。
若干年后,我的另一个好友婚姻出了问题。
我继续往这个洞里倾诉,只是说给自己听,
只有陌生人可以偶尔到此一游。

女人可以靠自己,或是靠别人。
独立自强,意味着只能靠自己披荆斩棘一路前行?
清华多年,就两位知交,可都是婚姻触礁,
回头仔细一算,同一个宿舍,或是同一个班级的女同学,
居然有一半的概率婚姻变故,
还有一半不愿走进围城,
难道真的是女子无才便是德?
想的太多,容易心比天高?

怪不得童话故事总是在“王子与公主从此幸福的生活在一起”的时候嘎然而止。
Happily Ever After 只能是童话。
日复一日,年复一年,生活不是一个happy ending可以结束的。

太阳底下,无新鲜事。 原来如此。

而今,
我只想要个孩子,
来寄存我的心。

Monday, April 20, 2009

忽而今夏

开车回家的时候,听到收音机说今天是record high,有95度,就是摄氏35度的高温,一下子就像是夏天到了。可算算日子还该感觉着春天呢。
取车时,车身上落了好多白色的小花,车窗前不知名的白花盘旋着飞走,一朵朵的飞尽,就像是春天的尾巴就这么的飘走了。
想着要不要换上裙装来配合天气,又摇摇头放弃了自己的死心不改。每次在空调下冻得瑟瑟发抖,夏天穿的比冬天还多的教训总是学不乖。
想起小时候每年春天总是盼着六一节的到来,游行之后就是游园会,最重要的是终于可以开始穿裙子了,小姑娘也有爱俏的时候。
而后离乡多年,江南的春天却再也没有见过,一树树灿烂春花,合着那烟雨江南,都只有梦中相忆。
原来走到哪里都是围城,小时候盼着快快长大,而今恨不能重回儿时光阴,无忧无虑。
哪怕是主楼外,东门前一排树梢嫩嫩的黄绿色新枝,求学时每每望着,感慨不如江南春, 也只是回不去的少年时代。

一次用了“忽而今夏”做昵称,旁人就说,这也是我喜欢的一本书。
却原来说的全不是一回事。
我想的是当时年少,为赋新诗强说愁时爱上的亦舒,
而旁人说的已经是下n代的别的书了。

怪不得人家说:老年人常思既往。真的是老了。
与朋友说起,岁月如梭,人到中年,怎么就这样过了半辈子。
她要割舍这个半辈子中一起扶持过了一半的情义,不知道前路如何。
而我,却在恐慌原来这辈子就是这样了啊。
我的前半生不知不觉过完了。
纵使举案齐眉,到底意难平。
仅有的几个好友婚姻纷纷触礁,这个世界到底变化太快,还是我已经落伍。

再给自己念念这首海子的诗吧,听说还选进了语文课本:

 面朝大海,春暖花开    海子
从明天起, 做一个幸福的人 
喂马, 劈柴, 周游世界 
从明天起, 关心粮食和蔬菜 
我有一所房子, 面朝大海, 春暖花开 
从明天起, 和每一个亲人通信 
告诉他们我的幸福 
那幸福的闪电告诉我的 
我将告诉每一个人 
给每一条河每一座山取一个温暖的名字 
陌生人, 我也为你祝福 
愿你有一个灿烂的前程 
愿你有情人终成眷属 
愿你在尘世获得幸福 
我只愿面朝大海, 春暖花开 


Sunday, April 19, 2009

惆怅旧欢如梦

刚刚出差回来,多时未联系的好友与我上网聊天。
平日温婉乐观的人,语调灰暗,让我担心。
终于给她打了电话,与好友谈完,心中郁郁寡欢。
我的好友,宜室宜家。
于她这样的可人儿,要思前想后,做出决绝的一步,经历了什么样的痛啊?
在这世界上,到底还有没有恒久的爱与约定呢?
爱情,婚姻,如果没有了内容,还留着空壳又有什么用呢?
如果丢掉这些禁锢,才能找到新的幸福,
那么,我的好友,我祝福你。
希望时间是最好的良药。伤口早晚都要愈合。
人生的旅途上,曾经以为相伴一生的人,其实只是过客,
那就把他当作是过去的风景吧。

想想其实所有的爱情,亦或婚姻,都有所图,只不过看求的是什么罢了。
求钱,求权,或是求貌,反而容易办到,
求心,求的是相知相守,看似简单,其实是最难办到的。
真是悲哀,若是只求一张饭票,就不会嫁给这个人了。
而若是只求一张饭票,那么那个婚姻就可以继续忍受下去。
可惜我们都不是这样的人。
她辗转反侧,没有做最后的决定,只是说为了女儿,再想想。

我不敢劝她什么,也不知道该说什么。
其实我的心里已经有了答案。

我的好友,与我相似,都有颗极其自尊自傲的心。
若不是心中已有了决断,是断断不会把这样的惨痛与人诉说的,哪怕是相知的好友。
能够说出来,硬生生的砍断了一个臂膀,一转身已是万水千山。

十年修得同船渡,百年修得共枕眠。
于千万人之中遇见那个人,于千万年之中,在时间的无涯的荒野里,没有早一步,也没有晚一步,刚巧赶上了,可以修得十多年的缘分,可还只是个过客。
她的欢乐如今只来自于女儿,而她的悲伤却都来自于他。
有朝一日,他不再牵动她的悲伤,那就是完全的忘却了。
有期望,才有失望,才有绝望。
而今,心弦不再为之波动,过往已然落幕。

在人生的舞台上,没有人会在原地永远的等待。
漫漫长路,两个人若不能并肩前行,便会交错而过。




Saturday, April 04, 2009

清明

今日清明。
清明时节雨纷纷,路上行人欲断魂。
杏花烟雨,也许只是肆意思亲的理由?
可惜阳光灿烂下,我的心病也只能是一场梦。

林花谢了春红,太匆匆,胭脂泪,相留醉,几时重。
人生长恨水长东。
我只愿梁上娇燕再投林。

Friday, April 03, 2009

青春

回家的路上,听到广播里面在说,原来千禧年到现在都快10年了,
时光飞逝,原来这一生也就这样过了,
原来回头看看,已然逝去的青春竟然如此苍白,
从未燃烧过的青春,或是灰烬后的余生,
不知道到底是哪种更痛呢?

原来理想主义还是假的,
终究还是屈服于现实的温暖,
可为什么还是那么的冷呢?

醉过方知酒浓,爱过方知情重,
从未醉过,从未爱过,
原来还是会痛的。
可生活还是一样的继续。
地球还是一样的旋转。