No is today's biggest challenge

William Ury's new book "The power of a positive No" describe a big challenge in today's society. He provides great advice on negotiation on his book series. Firstly, you need to understand yourself and be able to say no to defend your interests, which is the focus of "The power of a positive No"; secondly, you need to know how what is the interests of the other side, which is the focus of "Getting past No"; and finally, you need the both side working together to reach the agreement, which is the focus of "Getting to Yes".

Saying No means the possible stretch on relationship, while saying Yes means the possible stretch on yourself. The book starts with Three-A Trap description:

• Accommodate: do you ever have time to say Yes to your boss while you actually want to say No? That's the time you sacrifice yourself fearing to lose relationship;
• Attack: do you ever have time to say No to your partner angrily with a lot of hurting words you will be regret saying while you recover your sanity? That's the time you focus only on yourself and behave destructively on relationship without calm;
• Avoid: do you ever have time just keep silent while you really should speak out your opinions no matter it's Yes or No? William Ury quoted a great statement from Martin Luther King Jr., " Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

Do we always need to trade off between our interests and our relationships? Is there any way we can adopt to affirm what we want without comprise the relationship? William Ury's answer is a positive No, which he illustrated as a "Yes! No. Yes?" paradoxical tree below:

• Yes!: The root of tree comes from a Yes to your deeper interests which sustain the tree; This is a Yes to your own interests and to explain the reason you are saying No.
  
• No.: The trunk of tree comes from a No to assure your limit and power; This is a No expressing where you are standing.
  
• Yes?: The next Yes is the branches, foliage, and the fruits grown based on root and reach towards outside on top of the trunk of No. That is the positive balance between relationship and interests, which is the win-win situation we wanted for negotiation. This is a Yes to question a new proposal or an alternative to solve the result of No.
  

One good lesson we learned while we're searching for the deepest needs is Never response on angry or fear or any negative feeling. As Ury stated: " Anger can blind, fear can paralyze, and guilt can weaken." Thus it's easy to get into Three-A trap since anger leads to attack, fear leads to accommodate, and guilt leads to avoid. No wonder people always say the biggest obstacle to get over is yourself. To avoid react on negative emotion, we can take some time out, just wait a minute, listen and control our emotions.

Sometimes, the internal interests are not obvious reason to say No. There is a useful way to find out the deepest interests by digging deeper to Five Whys. Ury listed the five most common basic human needs are:

• Safety or survival
• Food, drink, and other life necessities
• Belonging and love
• Respect and meaning
• Freedom and control over one's fate

Similarly, there are certain values are common for individuals, such as honesty, integrity, respect, tolerance, kindness, solidarity, fairness, courage, and peace, which could provide motivation for your Yes. What really matters to you is the root of Yes.

On the way achieving a positive Yes, there are a lot of rule of thumbs to follow, such as:

• To transform negative emotion into positive intentions, we need to observe and accept the negative emotions, conserve the energy, then release it constructively towards positive actions.
• Our No is for our needs, not against the other.
• Prepare a Plan B, BATNA (Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement), if Plan A -- Acceptance is not possible. Plan B is not an option for agreement, but rather an alternative to agreement. Thus Plan B can be executed without the cooperation from the other, while an option need acceptance from the other and depends on the other. Alternative plan B can be do it yourself, or exit the scenario, or look for the third side instead of the other. Also, it's not direct jump from agreement nonacceptance to Plan B. We need some smaller intermediate plans before we arrived at the ultimate plan.
• Seek likely allies and build a winning coalition are great way to empower the positive No.
• Before express the positive, reassess our decision by checking if we have the interest in saying No; if we have the power in saying No; and if we have the right in saying No. If all answers are yes, consider the worst case scenario and prepare the alternative plan. Sometimes, plan B is not necessary to attack the others. It's more effective to remove the ability of the others to attach us.
• Start with self respect, we can respect the others because of who we are. Respect is an expression of ourselves and our values. Act with respect, we are able to observe the others and their interests.
• Active listen and ask questions to clarify the needs and problem of the other, which helps to show our respect to the other. We only say No to the request itself, and we should never say No to the person no matter we like the person or not. Acknowledging the request and needs of the other is the best way to show the respect and recognition of the other.

• When we construct our Yes, we can use three kinds of statement to empower our Yes.
• The-statement is the fact based statement focusing on problematic behavior without confronting people: Stick to the fact; do not tell the other should or should not do something; do not use judgmental or subjective words; be careful of using "always, never, nothing, or everything" to categorize a person negatively.
• I-statement tells your interests and needs rather other's problem. Describe the fact and express the feeling, then describe the interests.
• We-statement shows a common ground for the shared interests

• It is challenging to say No in a clear, honest, and respectful way. The No needs to be assertive but not being too aggressive. Polite with calm tone is a good choice to say No. There are couple useful way to say No, such as:
• Direct saying firmly with "No" or "No, Thanks";
• Showing No is not a special against to the other: "I have a policy";
• Showing No honestly: " I have other commitment or other plan";
• Soften the focus when you are in doubt: "Not now";
• Acknowledge the limits clearly:"I prefer to decline rather than do a poor job"
• To express your rights and power by saying No firmly, clearly, and politely to wrong behavior: "Please stop/No";
• Interrupt the wrong behavior to call for a pause:"Hold on/Whoa/Wait a minute";
• Clarify the policy in a neutral announcement:"That's not OK/That's not appropriate/That's not allowed";
• Frame not OK as I-statement without hurting the relationship:"It's not OK for me/This doesn't work for me";
• Setting up the limit clearly. It's time to stop:"That's enough";
  
• A good strategy in saying No is to reframe the No into a Yes with implied No. Using a positive statement with a clear boundary defined by saying what is possible under what kind of condition.

• Do not stop at saying No. Step further by proposing other options to get Yes. "I do not want this" or "I will not do this" is no better than "Although No, I want that" or "Although No, I can do that". A win-win situation should address the interests of both sides. Here are couple technique we can use:
• Invent an option for mutual interests
• What about later?
• We can agree if you satisfied the following conditions, etc
• Suggest a problem solving process to figure out the common point.
• Positive proposal or constructive request has to be clear, precise, be specific, positive, respectful, and doable.
  
• People tend to choose from one of the choices when they were asked. Given an example: "Do you want to buy a pie?" may leads to answer No or Yes, while "Which one you want: an apple pie, a peach pie, or a pumpkin pie?" will likely leads to one of kind pie purchase instead of no purchase.
• Curve of acceptance derived from Kubler-Ross's research shows the general stages when people are facing No: starting from avoidance to No, to the denial of No, then anxiety or even anger feeling towards No, next bargaining started if threat doesn't work, then the sadness feeling leads to final acceptance. We can adopt the following techniques to lead the confrontation of No passing the curve and leading to the acceptance as soon and smooth as possible.
  
• Stay calm without attack or avoidance.
• "Save as draft" instead of "Send" to let the emotional response elapse, and regain the self-control.
• Figure out the tactic the other used to defend or attack, and name it in mind before response.
• Physically pinch the palm to stay clam and focus on the right thing.
• Sometimes not reacting and letting the other express their feeling and waiting for the chance to response is powerful.
• Be an active and respective listener but not an insider. Be empathized while listening to show your understanding instead of sympathized to feel the pain with the other side.
  
• Slowing down the discussion by repeating or paraphrasing what others said of your understanding could fast track the process of understanding and negotiation.
  
• "Let me make sure I understand what you are saying."
  
• "If I hear you right, you are saying that."
  
• "Help me understand. If I hear you correctly."
  
• Acknowledge the point but not give in. Let the other express their feeling and respect it without conceding ours: " I understand your point. It is a valid point. I happen to see the situation differently."
• Use "Both...and..." mind-set instead of "Either...or..." choice. "Yes,...and..." is easier to gain the agreement instead of the contradicting feeling of "but...".
• For people who used to be accommodate to the demands, "Oh?So?No." response is a great way to avoid the accommodating mistake:
• Oh? to acknowledge the other's words in a neutral voice;
• So? to let the other explain their needs and feeling and play all the tactics;
• No. to stay firm with our core interests.

• If others do not respect our No, do not react with the rage. Try to repeat our No to the other many times so that people can hear that your No means No. If that does not work, then educate the other the consequences of not respecting our No to show the power. If none of the positive methods are working, deploying the plan B as the last resort. Ury used a word from Sun Tzu: "The best general is the one who never fights." (不战而屈人之兵）
• Repeat No consistent and persistent.
  
• Find some Anchor phrases to use often, such as:
• "This doesn't work for me."
• "No thanks."
• "I am not comfortable doing that."
• "I am sorry, but I'm not interested."
• "We have already chosen a few charities where we want to focus our giving."
• "I am sorry, but I don't feel comfortable discussing that right now."
• "I would prefer not to."
• Use intentional repetition to let the other understand that your No really means No.
• Ask reality -testing questions so that the other can figure out the logical consequence of rejecting your No instead of just telling the other the result. Use warning if necessary instead of threating.
  
• "What will happen if..."
• "Have you thought about how this will affect... if..."

• What we really want in the end is a Yes of positive outcome. Thinking more about "Both...and..." or win-win situation to satisfy interests of both sides. To get to the final Yes, we need a Yes to the agreement from the other, we also need a Yes to approval from the other side, and eventually we need a Yes to maintain great relationship between us and the other.
  
• To get the agreement, stay firm to our essential interests without giving in, while we can try our best to understand and satisfy the unmet interests from the other.
• Our job is not done after we get the agreement from the other. We have to step into the other's shoe and think how the other gain the approval and support from their constituency, such as their boss, family, or even themselves. Use an "Acceptance Speech Test" to address who's their constituency, what are the key themes or arguments of their acceptance speech, what is the most likely criticisms to speech, such as "Why did you give up?", "What did you give up?""What about our needs?", etc, and what are the best responses we can help to prepare to criticisms. The help to get approval should be presented to the other in a respective way. Saving Face is important to achieve the approval and maintain the relationship.
• Saying No might comprise the relationship between us and the other. It is important to acknowledge the other, express the apology or regret sincerely to reach to the other and rebuild the trust and confidence. Looking for the opportunity to refill the Goodwill account after the negotiation. Acknowledge the difficulties or regrets, thank the other, and end with a positive future to show the respect. Here is a great example from Ury's book:

• "I know dealing with this issue hasn't been easy for either of us. I just want to thank you for your efforts to respect my needs in this situation. And I look forward to working with you on this issue and many others."

Reading this book was a great pleasure and enjoyable journey. I would recommend this book to whoever want to improve his or her ability to negotiate. It's not the book sitting on the shelf lonely. "Yes! No. Yes?" approach seems to resonate with real life all the time.

I would like to end this reading note with Ury's statement:
"There is no doubt that delivering a Positive No requires courage, vision, empathy, fortitude, patience, and persistence. But is is within the reach of everyone every day, and the rewards are potentially enormous."
"In closing, I wish you the kind of success that can come only from being true to yourself and respectful to others!"